


Hold onto us

by SakuPenguin



Series: This is my family, I found it on my own [4]
Category: Inazuma Eleven, Inazuma Eleven GO
Genre: Like, M/M, Mentions of Depresion, Polyamory, Self-Indulgent, nb Sakuma Jirou, sakuma is not feeling well, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:55:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27548671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SakuPenguin/pseuds/SakuPenguin
Summary: Sakuma´s not okay, but that´s fine.... that´s fine until it´s not
Relationships: Fudou Akio/Kazemaru Ichirouta, Fudou Akio/Kazemaru Ichirouta/Sakuma Jirou, Fudou Akio/Sakuma Jirou, Kazemaru Ichirouta/Sakuma Jirou
Series: This is my family, I found it on my own [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1856629
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	Hold onto us

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I´m once again venting into a fic and into Sakuma cos selfprojecting yeahhhhhh  
> Sorry for the typos

They stepped in the apartment dragging their feet, without taking off their shoes before walking to the room and dropping into bed. It was funny, how it felt to sink into the mattress, how it felt like everything was wrong again...

They had spent the afternoon with their siblings, laughing and fighting like when they were kids. Kazemaru and Fudou had called them from Berlin. Their mother was feeling better... it had been a fantastic day, at least until they had closed the door. All the joy had dissipated, the energy abandoning their body. They just wanted to close their eyes and sleep. It was all too much. The feelings were too much, it had been a too happy Friday after a horrible week and now, they were alone again, and they could only think of how they didn't deserve it, the happiness of that last hours…

Laugh had been fake. Out of pity. They were sure. Their siblings just pity them. That they were alone. That their partners were in another country. They´re sure none of them had wanted to spend that time on them and it had all been a nuisance. They were a nuisance

They sank further into bed. They didn't want to move. They felt the tears accumulating in their eyes, rolling down their cheeks when they closed them and Sakuma just stuck the knees to their chest. Just for a moment. It would only be a few seconds and they´ve be back on their feet. They just needed to breathe...

When Sakuma opened their eyes and noticed the sunlight on their skin, they knew it hadn't just been a moment, but they didn't bother to check what time it was, Sakuma didn't want to get out of bed, or close the curtains. They were fine. Body was heavy and tired. When they tried to raise their hand and grab the phone their hand fell against the mattress, no strength left in their body. Sakuma couldn't do it. And they didn't want to try anymore.

They couldn't help but notice their hand. Resting on the mattress. Next to the phone, without being able to move... the ring shining in the sun. They were going to get married. Kazemaru had asked them. To Sakuma and Fudou, before they returned to Japan... They were sure that if he saw them now, he would take the ring, that they would pack their bags and not turn around... nobody needed anything like that in their life’s… nothing broken like Sakuma

When the phone started ringing, they didn't even bother to take it. They were supposed to move. Raise their hand. They couldn't. They had a hard time breathing. Their whole body was heavy. They let the voicemail sound.

_Jirou? The boys are asking if you're coming, they want to show you a new technique... call when you can. Teikoku needs its two coaches_

Kidou's voice in the message made them sink further. Stick their knees more to their chest. How could they have forgotten? They were an idiot. An irresponsible idiot unable to do one thing right...

They didn't even notice when the phone sounded again. Sakuma didn't notice the clock moving forward while they fell asleep again

_Is everything all right? Jirou send a message, please, are you at home? We haven't heard from you since yesterday..._

Their brother's voice woke them up that time.

_Jirou_

_Jirou_

_Jirou_

Too many messages, too many voices. They got smaller. They wanted to disappear. Forget about the world and sleep for years. For decades. Don't wake up. That would be nice...

Maybe they should do that, they closed their eyes, letting exhaustion beat them again, disappearing was much better, it wasn't squeezing their chest, everything would be fine, they just needed to close their eyes again.

The next time Sakuma opened their eyes there was a hand on their shoulder, warm and comforting.

"It's not a hangover, is it?"

They wish it was, they wish they had the energy to pretend it was just that.

"Jirou... you could have called. You had everybody worried. Yuuto says you didn't go to Teikoku. Your brothers have called you several times... Even Kazemaru and Fudou have asked me where you-," Genda stopped talking when he noticed the tears that ran through Sakuma´s face. "Jirou... breathe, sorry to reproach you for anything... Jirou?"

"Fine, " their voice was broken, their throat burned. "Go home. I'm fine."

"Have you gotten out of bed?" they denied. "Food?" they denied again. "Shower? Medication?"

Sakuma just covered their head with the pillow, it was progress. They had moved. Sakuma noticed Genda's hand on their back

"I'll make something to eat, and while I'm gone you´re going to call your boyfriends'. I'm going to leave you on speaker and you're going to talk to them before they kill me for not taking care of you..."

That was funny, as if stop taking care of them wasn't the last thing Genda would do in his life, him and his protective instinct. Sakuma didn't move anymore. They didn’t want to talk to their boyfriends. They couldn't see them like that. Not after they´ve gotten over it. Not after all was fixed

"Babe?" Fudou sounded worried. "We thought you weren't going to call..."

"Mmmm"

"Jirou...", Kazemaru’s voice was a mixture of worry and anger

"Okay"

"No Jirou. You're not okay, we're not idiots..."

"Fine, it's me, you know it's broken. It doesn't matter"

They turned slowly, lying down to look at the ceiling, their chest ached

"Jirou, it does matter…"

"And there's nothing to fix-"

"Me. All three of us know, stop saying that's not the case..."

"Jirou! You have depression, you're not broken," Fudou's voice made Sakuma close their eyes he sounded angry. They were shaking. "Jirou, there's nothing to fix..."

"You miss us, you're alone and your mother's sick. You have the right to break love. Even if none of that were happening, you'd have the right to break honey…”

"That´s the joke. The three of us being a mess..."

"No. You... you are strong... you don't deserve... this..."

"Don't deserve what? A beautiful and fantastic partner? Jirou... don't make me catch a plane and go there..."

"Relax, it's not like I'm going to jump out the window."

They could feel it. Fudou and Kazemaru slowly breathing across the phone, trying not to get angry about what they had said

"That's good..."

The pain was a little smaller, not too much, but enough for them to move their arm. Sakuma held the phone, leaving it on their chest. They wanted to have their voices closer.

"Tell Genda to take care of you... we going to call in a little, okay?"

"Take a bath and eat a lot of ice cream... before you know it, we'll be calling again."

"We love you..."

"We love you so much..." it was all too much again. They covered their face, trying to breathe between sobs, everything was heavy and painful and the last few months had been horrible.

Travel from home to the hospital, from hospital to work and back to the hospital. Calls that never lasted long enough. An empty house... everything was too much

"You don't have to answer, okay? Breathe slowly... we are here..."

Everything was spinning, but they could say something that sounded vaguely like an I love you before their phone died, cutting off the call.

Sakuma let Genda get them out of bed, they let their best friend put them in the bathtub and help them wash their hair. They let Genda sit them on the couch, wrapped in blankets with a movie that neither of them listened to playing in the background. Fudou and Kazemaru calling again, the phone on Genda's lap as the four of them spoke

A distraction

A moment when they didn't have to think

Saku could float and get carried away, there were hands holding them, preventing them from sinking

As the third movie started on screen, Sakuma closed their eyes, this time it would be just a moment. This time, when they fell asleep, at least they were smiling

Fudou and Kazemaru soon received a pic of the blanket burrito that was Sakuma, sighing in relief. From a distance, they couldn't do much more, but it was clear that, if necessary, they would cross the ocean swimming to get to Sakuma


End file.
